i can't do this forever.

dear lover,

i know i promised you that i wouldn't do drugs anymore or from now on. but temptation surrounds me like air and you know how i hate being caged. i just want to give in... to give up...

but.

that would mean losing you and ... that would mean losing myself.

i cant tell you how much i want to hurt you for doing this to me, for controlling me like i'm some kind of housewife. i cant tell you how much i want to break your heart into 3 million little pieces just so you can realize how much losing me would hurt.

and.

you know i would die if i lost you... you know this and so you can control me... tame me, throw me like flowers to the water - withered, boring, silly, sappy, soaring over blue crests like aimlessly lost sailboats

you see, i throw myself into everything i do. emotionally i'm "unstable" because i'm either ALL happy or ALL sad ... and with love, life etc. i'm ALL in or i'm not at all there...

i don't want to live without you - but i need my escapes too

i need to escape sometimes (most times) and you're not always there. just by circumstance, no fault of your own - then again i don't really blame you for anything now do i?

i'm sorry - i'll try harder not to let you down...