i answer phone calls in my sleep

all the freaking time.

is that strange?

i miss you.

its killing me.

the not-seeing-you.

and its disgusting that i'm this attached

to a single entity

i just .... it hurts too much...

and i'm scared and paranoid and feeling sick to my stomach.

(all i want is you)

FRUSTRATION at talking to you on the phone,

barely the amount we did before...

and you? do. not. seem. disturbed.

am i the only one?

we must never ever be boring

lately i've been interested in lomography and really want to buy myself a LC-A+ camera, but damn are they expensive (not to mention my family hates me atm so no help paying for one)... so i can take pictures like that. they're dreamy and colorful and interesting and beautiful. gah.

want.

i can't do this forever.

dear lover,

i know i promised you that i wouldn't do drugs anymore or from now on. but temptation surrounds me like air and you know how i hate being caged. i just want to give in... to give up...

but.

that would mean losing you and ... that would mean losing myself.

i cant tell you how much i want to hurt you for doing this to me, for controlling me like i'm some kind of housewife. i cant tell you how much i want to break your heart into 3 million little pieces just so you can realize how much losing me would hurt.

and.

you know i would die if i lost you... you know this and so you can control me... tame me, throw me like flowers to the water - withered, boring, silly, sappy, soaring over blue crests like aimlessly lost sailboats

you see, i throw myself into everything i do. emotionally i'm "unstable" because i'm either ALL happy or ALL sad ... and with love, life etc. i'm ALL in or i'm not at all there...

i don't want to live without you - but i need my escapes too

i need to escape sometimes (most times) and you're not always there. just by circumstance, no fault of your own - then again i don't really blame you for anything now do i?

i'm sorry - i'll try harder not to let you down...

introductions

i haven't slept in days - but no one realizes that i am a waking dream, a sleepwalker of the world, a nightmare...

i will not be a burden.

{neverever}

i'm no heroine, that's for sure. in fact, i feel like i'm the villain in my own smoke-and-mirrors story. self-sabotage and destruction are my fortes, and all i need is chaos to survive.

yet, i have this love and its so great. boundless. infinity. he is everything to me. everything. but at this point i'm struggling to keep up. to keep him. to keep it together.

and i don't want to fail anymore.